Agony and Indifference

There are so many things I want to say and yet at the same time I just feel like not expending the energy and not saying anything. This weekend has been crazy-happy but also overwhelmingly depressing. I cannot mention what although truthfully it would do minimal harm cause I have quickly and almost deliberately lost most of my audience for my blog. But the great thing is that by some miracle my economic research team has made it to Nationals. I could have pointed one million things that were unimpressive about our paper, ideas, and presentation and it seems so could the judges(or rather the one judge). The difference is that maybe our foes had two million things wrong with theirs plus we defended our crappy ideas well. The one judge was annoyingly challenging. He asked one tricky question and we answered very sharply but then he would question our answer and keep going on and on in that fashion until he couldn't think of another way to challenge our answer. So then he would come up with another question to do that too. The second judge was really mellow. He just looked and smiled and nodded. I liked that the one guy was very challenging cause he gave us a chance to show off our debating skills and defend the bad points of our presentation. Sometimes Majla almost totally misses the point of the question and will go on and on on tangents and I feel like yelling, "Enough!!Shush up!" So me and my brother would rush to answer every question first and outbeat Majla at it. Good thing she is a bit slow and talks slow when it comes to this. I feel bad for saying this but it is true. ANyways she did work really hard on the project and was the most motivated although I did the most work cause she loved to used the excuses, "You are smart with computers. I don't know how to makes works cited or title page. It is so confusing." or "Your English is a lot better than mine. You should write the paper." Well, I guess in a way that might be a good thing because it means that it is my work that helped us win. It is kinda funny cause none of us thought we would make it to Nationals so we were really looking forward for this project group thing to end cause every time we worked on it we fought like mad. Majla and Kevin are the worse. I am pretty bad too. We never agree on ideas and fight and annoy each other to hell. I know that if it weren't for this project I would still think Majla was one of the greatest peoples around. Now the sight of her makes me want to walk away and ignore her and hang out as friends with her at the same time.

One thing is for sure. I had a lot more fun at States than Regionals. The independence is great for one. One could momentarily forget the troubles at home. The hotel setting was beautiful although the weather terribly cold. One can only stay cooped inside a pretty hotel for so long. I got to know a few Bedford people for the first time or a little better. I didn't really hang out with them so much as they hung around with themselves. Definately a fun and nice group-a bunch of jokesters some of them are. For the most part they were a very united group that clung to themselves. I was more enthralled with the whole multitude of different student bodies that wandered the hotels. Now I look back and think I might have lucked out on a lot of the fun the Bedford peeps had among themselves. There were all these fun little pranks between the guys and girls, and nobody ever went and hung out in my hotel room. I did meet up with the Dearborn people that I had met at Regionals with and hung out with them during the dance-a very boring social gathering cause i didn't really talk or have great fun with close friends but I do love the prettiness of all the dresses.

well, hell, i haven't done my math homework or any other studying. fortunately, stephanie kershner gave me a copy of the summaries she wrote for the 5 novels that we were supposed to do. Kyle I so want to talk to you about things. You and Steph and Michelle who I havent talked to for too long. Course I already told steph all my heart stuff and she is such a great friend. But between you three every body gets told a different side and it all pieces together to make one great finished jigsaw puzzle. You can only tell a conservative, God-fearing girl so much... You can only tell a gay aetheist so much(haha dont take offense Kyle)... And you can only tell a girl who is extremely self-conscious and degrading and lives 2000 miles away so much. But I can tell Me everything I want to tell me. Still haven't started that audio diary...

yesterday when we were watching the Notebook I fell asleep halfway in even though I really love the movie and then woke to the question "Do you like Bert?" except I thought it was "Do yu like birds?" So I answered "Yes very much" and something like "Sometimes I wish I were one". I must have sounded very confusing.

Ok so Dad is off looking for someone...He can search far and near but he won't ever find that someone. I know it will take him a good ten years if he is lucky, but not if he has the side of law and power with him and not if someone doesn't betray some other. For A moment I feared that he had the former (never the latter for that would be my through my doing and I am a sly, lying bitch when I want to be but it is for the better I say) but fortunately the lack of technology of our sorely funded public services(finally I can think republicans for something) prevented such a thing. I, agnostic, prayed to God twice today. Once in the awards ceremony that our team would place and go to Nationals and once at this after climax when someone's location could be betrayed. God answered both my prayers. Or maybe it was coincidence.

Today has been a very climatic day. I have had my heart swell three sizes and also ripped to a few shreds(not too painful) and squashed a little.
Hell it is 12:30 and I am going to bed. At last I have written a good sized blog entry again. Kyle I shall find time to post on yours again.